Hello
by Sindarin Lady
Summary: rating because of talks of character death, just to be safe kiddies! But a songfic with Evenesence's Hello, found it after it lay in hiding for months, a little Remus Rantlet, enjoy, Reveiw please


"Hello"  
  
6.30.03  
  
Playground, school bell rings again  
Rain clouds come to play  
Again  
Has no one told you he's not breathing?  
Hello. I'm your mind giving you  
someone to talk to  
Hello  
If I smile and don't beleive  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken  
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you  
can hide  
Don't cry  
suddenly I know that I'm not sleeping  
Hello I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday  
  
* * * *  
I see the blurry playgrounds of my past, a rare vision in my memory. A memory with large gaping holes, blank spots and missing links. To try and reacount these years I cannot recall would only cause me to block the memory of me attempting to remember these moments I have lost. A depressing cycle. These were hardly missed bits of time. But. As now I am alone. I wish I had more memories of my friends to match and accompany thoughts of them.  
  
It seems that it's always raining in my head. Why did I waste the last two years I had with my last friend? Because, I reminded myself, but it now sounds as an excuse, Because he had changed. Sirius had distanced himself from all of us. I could not look at him and see the best friend I had once known. Twleve years will do alot to tear at a man's soul. There was one out burst I remember in his last year of life. He didn't yell and scream at me as I wish he had. But in low growls, heard only by my senses, He dared me to say I know what he had endureed. I blink feriously to stay the tears that no one would see, the memory, Alas. As it seems thoughts of Siruis have brought forth memories. But I laugh in my misery. Isnt' that what I wished for? Memories of old friends. But why the bad ones?  
  
He dared me to say I can relate to the twelve years of lonelyness. he said, even with my curse, I still had the stars. I could still look out and see the vastness, to feel some skeen of comfort in knowing there is a wider world whan that of the prison in the human mind. I needed no reminder of the danger of the minds of homosapines. Not only was my best friend a walking talking reminder of what men can do to themselves while locked away in a dark corner of the mind. My friend, as it turned to be, was only a reminder of my self.  
  
Aha. A grim smile, one more accustomary trait that had attached it's self to me. Rain poured down my thin glass windows. Does it feel comforting to know it is raining outside, when it is raining inside my mind, Again?  
  
I can't even comprehend things anymore. They say he died. I was there. I saw it. But I don't beleive it. It hasn't sunk in yet. I don't reconize his death as a fact. They accept it. No questions asked. I don't ask questions. Simply because I don't want to know the answers. I don't want to know if there are any answers. I just dont' want to know. I can't bring myself to say anything, to just ask would to mean that I would have admmitted that he had gone. And I know, I know that in a few weeks, days, maybe a year from now, what has happened will sink into my heart and I will cry to no one. But not now. I tell myself. As soon as I do that I will truely be alone. But for now, I will continue in acting as if I know nothing, saw nothing and heard nothing of Sirius' death. Maybe I will come to realize that this could be real. Maybe, the world will come to realize that they were wrong. But not now, now I will continue to find bliss in this sorrowful ignorance.  
  
I want to ignore, Alas how I can't, lest I cause myself to be blind, deaf and isolated. I cannot block out the concerned talk and looks of those around me. But I can run. I can stay locked up in side my heart and inside my home. It seems as if his-I catch myself, these reccent happenings have opened many peoples eyes to what I've felt for years. Or do I remember being happy?  
  
But in my insombiac state I cease my thinkings. Once again forcing myself to choke down my tears. But a sudden thought takes hold of me. Gripping my minde like a vice. And constricting my heart, I clutch my chest, grasping my thin sweater, pain tore at me. And with a strangling gasping sob I let go of the hold I had over my tears, the leash I had held tight on my emotions broke. As I now knew. I was the last one. There are no more of those that I had known throught my shortlived childhood. The boys who would pick me out of a crowd for what ever reason still to this day don't know. Just they included me. A scuffy, thin, pale, ragtag boy that no one had ever noticed. I was nobody. My friends. My brothers. My family. Made me somebody. Sirius and James, my family. Both are dead. Another deafening sob racked my thin frame.  
  
I, Remus Lupin, Am cursed. Not only to my existance as a Werewolf. But to walk this earth. Doomed to be alone. For with ever person I meet. I see traits of my friends. Familiarities that will stand out. Only because of those I have known. And I now am wary of friendship, how do I know if I am not also cursed, cursed and unable to get close to anyone, lest they are also doomed to death, as Sirius and James have been.  
  
I am now alone. With no company, Save for memories.  
  
* * * *  
Well that really progressed into a ramble, I think it's stupid, really. I wrote this a long while ago, and was scrounging around my documents, and found a few old writings, hope you enjoy, although it's lame or whatnot.  
  
AND! I Don't own Harry Potter, or Siruis, Or Remus, and I don't own the song, that is Evenescene, and I, in perticular beleive that what Rowling has done to Siruis was a Mistake! and it's not true, so there, he will be back dangit!! 


End file.
